Batten Down the Hatches! PostEppie: Half Wit
by DJ Dubois
Summary: Following Half Wit, Cuddy finds out about what House was up to. After confronting him, she comes up with a way of helping him.
1. Chapter 1

Batten Down the Hatches! (House Post-Eppie: Half Wit)

David J. Duncan

March 2007

Rating: T (Teen—language advisory)

Notes: House MD belongs to FOX and its copyright holders. Please send comments to .

Spoilers: Everything (especially Half Wit).

Dedication: This one goes out to Prolific Peggy who kind of hinted that I should do this one.

Summary: Cuddy gets the full scoop and uncorks……

Chapter 1 West Princeton—Cuddy's House—concurrent with the Ducklings' visit to House's apartment

Cuddy opened her eyes for what seemed to be the ten thousandth time that night/early morning and stared up at the ceiling. Sleep had evaded her for much of that evening; her mind continued ruminating on things. She knew it wasn't the budget or presentation to the Board.

Those things were already behind her…..

Then she rolled her eyes, admitting to herself what it was. She worried about House's cancer and his prognosis. _This is the day he goes to Mass General. _She grimaced at the memory of the call to her counterpart up there. _You should have considered all of the facts before grilling them, Lisa. Then again, this is House we're talking about. _She sighed heavily and pulled herself out of bed, knowing she would have to face the day soon enough.

Her mind, however, kept going back to the previous night's encounter with the difficult diagnostician and their embrace…not to mention _where _he'd touched her.

_That's one small feel for man. One giant leap for mankind_.

_It figured he would've said that. _She frowned at the blatant sexism even as she racked it up to his unique wit. In addition, those words sent a warm feeling through her. Although she would never admit it to him, she had cared for him since medical school. _I should go with him. Maybe I can cancel my appointments and spend the weekend up there to support him._

She threw on her robe and headed for the shower. Feelings were nice but she needed to reroute her schedule first. And that meant heading into PPTH.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 Cuddy's Suite—about two hours later

After a shower, two cups of coffee and a ride in, Cuddy scanned through the last of the weekly reports, scribbling her signature across the dotted lines. For once, she could see the bottom of her inbox. _I should videotape this moment for posterity! _She checked the computer planner and found that she would be clear after her 1-3 Clinic shift. _After that, I can head for Boston. It'll be a long drive but I can handle it. _

Then a knock came from her door.

"Yes?" she asked.

Wilson stuck his head in. "Have a minute?"

She noted his testiness. _Now what? _From previous experience, she knew that he wouldn't bring an issue to her attention unless he felt it was serious. "Sure. I was going to talk with you later anyhow."

"You were?" he inquired in surprise.

She glanced at him, wondering what was going through his head. "I was going to ask you to keep an eye on things while I'm out of town this weekend. What exactly is going on, Wilson? You have that 'House is up to something' look on your face."

He slid his hands into his pockets while slumping his shoulders ever so slightly. His eyes bore into the carpeting.

_What the Hell did you do now, House? _She ground her teeth as her administrative sixth sense picked up on yet another House-bred issue stirring up her turf. "Spill it, Wilson. What did House do now?"

He laughed sarcastically. "You really aren't going to believe this one, Cuddy. He really topped himself this time. House faked having cancer."

She shot Wilson the Glare.

"His staff ran the tests. They found that he didn't have it!" He shook his head. "House was using a patient's records to convince Mass General he had it!"

She grimaced; her mind swimming through the ethical nightmare manifesting itself in front of her. "They're certain of this?"

"Cameron and Chase told me. Then I just had it out with him. He's in his office if you must know," he informed her.

"Unreal," she declared while staring out the window. "What the Hell was he thinking?" She turned back toward her visitor. "Did he say anything to you?"

"Cuddy, this is House we're talking about. He made some snide comment about how people are boring. I told him about pushing people away for all of the good it did," he reminded her.

"I know. I need to deal with this. If you will excuse me, Wilson?" she replied. After he left, she followed toward the elevator.

_How could he do that? HOW? _She could feel the steam coming out of her ears this time. No matter how many times she lectured House on being underhanded, he would still ignore her.

This time, there would be the argument from Hell. You could count on that.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 Diagnostics Suite

House leaned back in his chair, trying to deal with the pounding between his ears. By all rights, he should've been on a plane to Boston and the potential cure for his leg. It seemed like the perfect plan….if only the Ducklings had left it alone. _I wasn't going to kill anyone! _He growled, considering the lecture from Wilson. _Why couldn't they have left it alone! They can screw around with the leg and it's okay. If I want to do that, it's wrong! Damn hypocrites! _

The Underling Trio all called in sick that day, feeling repelled by their insidious lying boss (or so they thought). The timestamps on the voice mail came within twenty minutes of their waking him up.

He ran his index finger through the air as if trying to find some hidden lyric floating around in the air. From Piano Boy's case, he'd discovered some new beats and tones.

Alas, if only they could last.

Cuddy stormed into the room like a crazed harpy. "HOUSE!"

He rubbed his head, feeling the throbbing quicken dramatically. "Let me guess…you're here representing Make a Wish?"

"That's only for dying people, House, which…gee…YOU AREN'T!" she snapped. Now she rubbed her temples. "Why, House? WHY? Don't you get it?"

He rolled his eyes. "Oh goodie. This again?" He forced himself to stand, ignoring the pain shooting up and down his leg in the process. "You know—Wilson's already yelled at me, Boss. Take a number." He limped toward the door.

She stood in front of his door, blockading him into the suite. "Oh no you don't! I'm not letting you out of here until I get a few choice words in! You used patient records! You made us think you were dying! How many times do you think you can get away with playing fast and free with the rules!"

He quirked an eyebrow at her skeptically. "Wow. And here I thought you'd be on my side."

She folded her arms across her chest and glanced sarcastically. "Oh really? And how pray tell would you come to that conclusion?"

He stared at her; his eyes in the wide open sarcastic stare. "I was following your example, Mom."

"My example?" She snorted in disbelief. "And how have I sinned _now_?"

"The magic ketamine stuff, Cuddy." He labored around the office on his cane. "Remember when I could run like the wind? Skip to the beat? Watch the twins from the bedroom window? Now those were the days/"

She sighed despondently; the failure hitting her square in the face again. "House, I said I was sorry. We were trying to cure you. That, however, doesn't give you the right to lie and cheat your way…."

He sniggered sarcastically at her. "Oh and how did you get the right to mess around when you used Protein C on your roof guy? And how about….?"

She growled low, "House, those were accepted medical _uses_! You're twisting the rules!"

"Gee, the Evil Queen hides behind the numbers _again_. Shocker there," he countered. "Who determines the rules, huh? Damn. Everyone else can experiment but the evil House and they're cool. When I do it, it's so _naughty_!"

She averted her eyes, knowing that his reputation often caused prejudice….and more often than not for good reason. Still he had a point. "Because you don't go through the same channels as the rest of us maybe? Ever think of doing a study yourself?"

"Yeah right."

"I'm serious, House," she insisted. "We can do a study right here comparing Ketamine with that cancer drug. Of course I can coordinate the study to make sure everything is _ethical_."

"Now there's the Cuddy I know," he replied although he let the sarcasm diminish considerably. "In one step, she goes from letting me run the study to having someone else poke at me. Love when my buddies toy around with my ass."

She shook her head. "House, you should know by now that I trust you to come up with innovative ideas. However, you could involve the rest of us too."

He rolled his eyes.

"Besides there is one other benefit," she insisted.

"You get to keep your mitts on it?" he guessed.

"That," she conceded before adding, "That…and it would help to keep the Tritters of the world off of our collective case."

He snarled, admitting to himself that she did have a point in that regard. "And what about the Camerons and Wilsons of the world?" He raised two expectant eyebrows.

"What about them?"

He chuckled, enjoying the fact that she was missing a part of the equation. "All of the kiddies' gossiping blew this situation _way outta proportion! _Cameron blabbed to everyone! My kiddies ignored me when I told them not to focus on me! Hell, they let Piano Boy get worse!"

"Sounds like they all gave you a taste of your own medicine, House."

He frowned. "And embarrassed your ass, Cuddy. I heard about your argument with the Big Cheese at Mass General about me. Sucks to be you, doesn't it?"

She ground her teeth, imagining the apologizing she would need to do in the not too distant future. "You were plotting something unethical, House."

"Oh right! It wasn't on a patient…."

"For once," she interjected cynically.

"…It was for _me _damn it!" He slammed his cane against a wall. "I ask again—why is it SO BAD for me to want to be rid of the pain in my leg AND keep it? Why does everyone think they know more about what's good for me than I DO?"

"Because you're like a kid sometimes," she countered, trying desperately to rein in her temper. "Your pain limits your objectivity! The Vicodin blunts it but the pain still distracts you. It would anyone! You're human, House." She rubbed his shoulder. "You're a genius. But it doesn't hurt to get several opinions."

"And you're opposed. So what?"

She retorted firmly, "I don't like you going underhanded to get what you want, all right? Work with us on the pain study! Wilson can get his colleague in Boston to work with us on the application." She bowed her head. "House, I know we screwed up with the ketamine. Let's proceed along this path. Let's see if we can get you what you need." She glanced out into the hall to make sure nobody was coming. "People care." She kissed his cheek softly. "Think on that. Come and see me around nine tomorrow. We need to talk further." With that, she left the suite.

He slumped back into his chair completely wonderstruck by her kiss. For years…Hell…more like decades, they'd traded banter barbs. In the process, he'd thrown every comment about her anatomy into the pot.

Yet despite her sticking to _Anality For Dummies_, she'd more than put up with him. She'd stuck by him, endangering her own professional standing and freedom in the process. She lied for him in court. She didn't fire him. Amazingly enough, she'd be willing to organize a study so he could get what he needed "experimentally"?

He wrestled with those thoughts and one other….that she truly cared about him.

He put his coat on and limped out the door heading for the wintry sidewalk beyond.

There was definitely a great deal to think about…..


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 Next Morning—Cuddy's Suite

House limped out of the elevator and down the hall toward Cuddy's office. For much of the previous evening, he'd wondered if Cuddy would really sanction a study to help with his pain.

He'd hung out at a nearby tavern watching life go by. He'd seen the Ducklings eating together but declined to join them, choosing instead to watch them interact.

An hour before his current time, he'd plunked 'keys' on the piano mat; his fingers eliciting tunes from the plastic in front of himself. Even as the music rose to soothe his ears and psyche, he'd eyed the clock.

The Ducklings were late and there weren't any messages on the machine.

He shook his head. _As much as she's annoying as Hell, even Cameron would've left word. Consideration and all of that crap. Guess someone's going to be doing my Clinic hours even if Cuddy has a bird about it! _That thought and the ensuing debate brought a smirk to his lips. Despite the inherent aggravation involved, he secretly enjoyed the verbal judo with his boss not to mention how she reared her shoulders every time he got her mad.

Before that thought could go any farther, Cuddy's newest assistant, a red headed female with rounded spectacles over her skinny face, glanced at him. "They're waiting for you in the conference room, Dr. House."

"And a good morning to you too," he cracked sarcastically.

She snorted back in a like manner.

"Ooh and snarky too. Where did Cuddy find you?"

"Look under 'S' for sarcastic in the phone book. I'm sure you're _very _familiar with that area yourself," she countered dryly.

He stared at her with the intensely blank stare. "More so than you, Toots." With that, he headed for the conference room where Cuddy, Wilson and the Ducklings waited for him. "Whoa! So this is where you've been hiding."

"And good morning to you too, House," Wilson replied matter of factly while sipping on his coffee. "See you fell out of bed on the right side too."

"Emphasis on fell," the diagnostician retorted while taking a seat and looking at his staff. "Where have you all been?"

"Right here waiting for you, House," Foreman insisted. "Just like we were last night."

"You could've come over instead of stalking us from the bar," Cameron added; her eyes locking with his glance.

Rather than say anything, Chase just shrugged and let it go at that.

House squirmed, not liking all of the attention. Ignoring the 'I told you so' glances from Wilson and Cuddy, he assessed, "You're saying that to cover your asses. I needed to be alone."

"That's your prob…." Cameron started before Cuddy shook her head at her.

"I stand by what I said yesterday, House," Wilson insisted. "Whether we like you or not, we are your colleagues. You can come to us with a problem, you know."

House rolled his eyes, feeling nauseous from the hunky dory attitude developing in the room. "_If_ I come to you, fine." He glared at Cameron. "But I hate it when people butt their noses into my private stuff!"

"Excuse me?" Cameron protested.

House sniggered. "Did someone die and appoint you as Big Sister? The only reason you found out, Cameron, was because you opened my mail! I should fire your ass for that!"

"As if you haven't done things like that yourself," the younger woman growled.

"And I've nailed him on it," Cuddy interjected while handing out envelopes to the trio. "While I appreciate _why _you did what you did, I've had to put these in your files."

Foreman stared incredulously at the Dean. "Why?"

"You screwed up the patient, Foreman," House insisted; his blue eyes flaring azure fire at him from across the table. "Maybe next time when I tell you to leave my business alone, you will."

"You just want to be alone, don't you?" Cameron snapped.

"Too bad you'll never find out," her boss shot back.

Cuddy rapped her knuckles on the table. "This is not going to degenerate into a hissing match. Settle down, _all of you._" She waited for a long minute while the dust settled before continuing. "I think we need to remember to respect boundaries." Knowing House would shoot his mouth off on that front, she added for his benefit, "_All of us._ That's the main reason why I wanted us here today. Wilson, want to continue?"

The oncologist nodded. "I've been in touch with my colleague at Mass General about his research concerning that brain treatment you were going to do today, House. He gave me the bare essentials and the rest I picked up from the database last night. I personally think that it's a bad idea because it's never been tried before for a case such as yours. However, after the ketamine and Tritter situations, I'm willing to try anything. Anyhow, if you agree to do this study, we can try it and see what happens."

"Oh so now you're okay with it?" House hissed. "Put a legit ass saving cover on it and Wilson's cool."

"He agrees with me," Cuddy insisted; her eyes meeting his. "Especially given what's happened earlier this year." She sighed. "But you don't get off Scott free either, House. After this surgery, no Vicodin and we'll have to monitor your condition carefully."

"Get rid of the pain and we'll talk," House countered.

"No, House," Cuddy shot back. "That's the deal. Take it or leave it. You made it without the Vicodin while the ketamine was working. We did this before. We can do it again. Besides, it'll help certain hospital-police relations if you get my meaning?" She arched her right eyebrow for emphasis.

He frowned, knowing she was referring to Tritter not to mention her perjury in the trial. He hated the deal because he didn't want to get rid of his safety net. He didn't want the Pain to flare again.

But he wanted to get rid of his other ball and chain more. He eyed his cane—the symbol of his handicap.

Anger and resentment flared in his gut. If he could get rid of the damned thing…..

"I want monitoring for pain," he hissed through clenched teeth.

"As we would for any test subject or patient, House," Wilson agreed. "As tempting as it sounds, we won't leave you hanging out to dry."

"That work for you three?" Cuddy inquired of the three staff members.

"If he goes along with it, fine," Foreman nodded.

"I'll do it," Chase agreed, feeling glad to stay within the lines.

Cameron sighed, keeping her feelings bottled up inside of herself. _How come when I want to help him and be there, it's a bad thing? But when SHE does it, everyone's fine with it? I would've been willing to put this forward if House would listen…. _

"Cameron?" Cuddy asked, guessing at what was going on in the other's head.

"Fine. Let's do it if it will help." She exchanged looks with the others before getting up. "Sorry but I have Clinic duty. Are we finished?"

"You can go, Cameron. Thank you," Cuddy agreed. After the other woman left, she continued, "Okay. I'll submit the paperwork at the Board meeting this afternoon. Given what we're trying to accomplish, I'm sure they'll give it universal approval."

_After some arguing and haranguing, _Wilson worried to himself. Still he knew this was the way to go….

…And if it helped his best friend, all the better.


	5. Conclusion

Conclusion Two Weeks Later—Mass General

House blinked slowly at the lights above his head. The last thing he remembered was drifting off to sleep due to the IV drip. Now he found himself back in his room and felt the sticky tug from the bandages on his head. _They really did it._ He knew that Wilson's counterpart would be in soon enough to check on him. _Hope he remembers it's a pain adjustment not a "make nice" thing. _

He also knew that people would be watching closely…a fact he was not all that comfortable with. _Cuddy will probably have a web cam and Cameron ready to rat on me. Terrific. _He stretched his hand out and touched a cool glass surface.

On his nightstand, he saw a single red rose sitting there in a glass filled with water. "Wha…?"

"Thought you might like some company," Cuddy noted from the doorway.

He took a deep breath while conceding a smirk. "Ya couldn't…stay…way, could ya?"

She chuckled, letting her eyes sparkle at him. "Someone had to cut the staff here a break. We know how big of a pain in the ass you can be."

"Takes one…to know one," he retorted.

"You have no idea," she told him. "We're going to ride you on the therapy and going clean."

"Ya can try. Still doesn't…mean I like the…Clinic," he jabbed, semi-teasing her.

"I can hope for a miracle, right?" she queried while checking his water glass. "Meantime, you get some rest. I'll be right here." She kissed his forehead.

"Th…anks," he croaked hoarsely before closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep. From the flower and her visit, he knew how she felt for him. And from the warm feelings inside of himself, he knew how he felt for her as well.

Meantime she leaned back into the chair's soft cushions while watching him breathe and sleep. After having talked to the chief surgeon, she knew that the surgery had gone without problems. However, as with the ketamine procedure, she gathered there could be side effects. _We'll have to keep a close eye on him._

She recalled how that procedure had brought its own issues—both good and bad—for House and consequently, PPTH as a whole.

_No lies this time, House. And if I can help it, no more pain either. _She glared at the cane leaning against the nightstand, recalling the ongoing pain of the infarction and the main reason why they were both there. _I'm sure he'll enjoy destroying that thing too. _She made up her mind that at some point, they would burn it together.

She squeezed his hand and kissed him again softly. As she did, the warmth blossomed in her heart. She grinned in spite of herself.

It would be a long road but at least she had confirmation of her feelings and his. And where love was concerned, she knew that even someone as stubborn as House would make further concessions.

After all, he never could resist a good puzzle or her, could he?

THE END


End file.
